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Thursday, November 23, 2006
peiling is calm and cool now. therefore this shall not be an emo post.
went to tung lok that dimsum place today for the high tea buffet with camp comm. it was last minute decision, since we werent supposed to meet up today since we changed the meeting to tomorrow. but it was nice, being able to sit together, crack jokes, share stuff [and of course laugh at char and her love for charsiewbaos] etc. plus the food was good hoho.
recently ive been reminiscing. it's rather odd for me to do that, since im one who will think about something straightaway, and forget it until somehow i go back to it again. but these few days, or rather for the past week or so, walking to the mrt, taking the mrt, walking down orchard, aloha loyang, the beach, cycling... thinking back becomes like this automatic reaction. yesterday when i came home from the tns bbq, i flipped through the album and looked through photos when i was a baby. but i only managed about 4 pages before i had to get back to work.
man, i miss being a kid. i miss being that kid who can cry as and when she wants to [i used to cry a lot. and my parents called me ku1 bao1 zi3 or something]. i miss being that kid who can enter those really fun places with balls and what not. i want to be kodomo all over again. ignorance is bliss. maybe i understand that phrase a little better now eh. being able to do whatever i want, not having a care in the world, not being bothered by what others think... i miss being an innocenct kodomo. no doubt im still innocent in some areas, but face it, im 14, no way can my innocence be the same as it was before. 14 years makes a lot of difference. that's why i envy the mentally challenged at times [minus the discrimination that they face. arrogant idiots who discriminate against them]. them being so easily satisfied, being able to take life as it is, enjoy what's given to them, being able to flash a genuine smile etc. i believe that most mentally challenged people [or rather those that ive met] are more real. they dont have to wear mask, they're who they are.
this reminds me of something that happened during cantata. oh yeah, i thought cantata was great, especially the night one, thank God for His providence. ___'s sister wanted to rub off the black thing on the nose for the sheep, i spent quite some time talking to her. i told her "you look cute with the nose." she said "i dont want to look cute." later some other kid said "you look pretty like that" or something along that line, so i was like yeah you look pretty. and her reply was "no im ugly." she said that for 3-4 times. basically her cousin had looked at her nose and said something like "that's the ugliest thing ive seen." that line was stuck in my head for the whole night, and up till now. it was just this whole "why?" thing, which is why i was quite dead during carolling. it reminded me of this incident that happened in the mid of this year. dan brought his cousin lyn, who's well not as fast as the rest, to church. and we had the annual bible verse quiz, i was chairing it, and on that day, lyn told me that she didnt want to take part. her reason was "im stupid. the others say im stupid." the p5s got a huge lecture from me. not trying to be self-righteous or ms-goody-two-shoes or anything here, [i admit i use to think the same way when i was younger, and i only changed my views when i went to apsn in p4] but i dont think they deserve that do they.
know stacie orrico's more to life? ive got it all, but i feel so deprived. i go up, i come down, and im emptier inside. tell me what is this thing that i feel like im missing. and why cant i let it go. there's gotta be more to life than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me. cause the more that im tripping out thinking there must be more to life. well it's life but im sure there's gotta be more than wanting more.
i can finally relate to it, even if it's just a tiny bit. these few weeks, this emptiness within me has been growing. ive many friends. and out of these people, there're great friends who care, support me and are always there for me. i simply cannot find any fault with them, can i have any complaints? no, i can never thank them enough.
being the youngest in the family, im doted on. im the only one who can sit on the bed, shuffle cards, tell my sister who's studying "jiejie, play cards with me" and play close to 15 rounds of speed with her. im the only one who can start fake crying [like i did on monday], stand outside my bro's room bang on the door and say "let me in [cry] let me in [cry]" when he's on the phone, pretend to cry when he says "eh what, shut up la.", and get a piece of chocolate from him. im the only one who can say "let's play daidi" when we're all in the living room, and get everyone to play. im the only one who gets kissed by everyone in the family [yes even now]. and this whole doting thing goes on to my extended family, since im either 1. the youngest or 2. the second youngest cousin. okay fine, im pampered to a certain extent. i think ive 2 sides to me, the independent side, and the pampered side.
but there's this emptiness in me now which refuses to be filled up. which perhaps explains why im trying to keep myself busy all the time, and taking on task after task. everything im doing now lacks a purpose, everything im doing now feels right but yet doesnt feel right too [get what i mean?]. everything doesnt make sense and just doesnt seem to be working out. like what sherlyn and i think hil said a long time ago, "a God-sized hole that only God can fill". and matt and his equations "everything - God = nothing. nothing + God = everything." based on that equation, currently my life's nothing.
okay all my thoughts are jumbled up and im starting to become incoherent [again] so i shall stop.
woah okay i just read "the God of all comfort" by "Roger Elssworth" and it's a devotion based on the last 27 chapters of Isaiah. a book which the guys passed to me today, wrapped and everything [and with the price tag blurpokas]. apparently they went to some Christian bookstore to get it with uncleandrew before going to tunglok. i dont know what else to say other than thank you. (: it was really unexpected. and after reading the first chapter, i find it very relevant.
"what, dear believer, is causing your heart to ache? what is it that burdens and troubles you? are you despondent over a set of circumstances that seem beyond your control? are you burdened by guilt over a glaring failure to live for God? the devil will be quick to tell you that God wants nothing at all to do with you. but the cross of Calvary tells you that those same strong arms that delivered you from sin and made you God's child are there to carry you in shepherdly compssion and love. you need never doubt God's love for you. He has demonstrated it once and for all on that cross. and you may rest in that love even while you are troubled. Gd, your shepherd, knows about your trouble. He knows the ache of your heart. and He knows the purposes that He has for you. He has your best interest at heart in every situation of life and is sustatining you and helping you even when you feel that He has utterly forgotten you.
young Christian, you face many trials, temptations and snares. it may seem to you that no one understands of cares. i tell you now that the Christ who loved you and died for you has a special concern for you. He knows your temptations and your feebleness, and, even when you seem completely alone, He is with you to carry you along and help you."
honestly, i dont know how i feel/felt after reading it. but i hope that it'll comfort all those who happen to read it, and strengthen the faith of the rest.
jars of clay- hand
im here waiting for something new to break my heart
so callous laden i can't feel a thing at all
will You catch my fall
from lost and not found, to run and not hide
my hand inside Your hand
fear is keeping time with the beating of my heart
doing way too much thinking
and it's tearing me apart
but i feel you reach for me
from lost and not found, to run and not hide
my hand inside Your hand
losing my grip falling so far
my hand inside Your hand
i hear Your voice and follow
so hard to believe, and still i go
simplicity.
*****
simple facts
peiling
30 march
christian
tnsrgs
